Fidel Gastro’s

1920×1080. At least if I get a HDTV for my 360 - wait wait that just isn’t funny at all. No geek jokes this year. That’s the first resolution. Next is to either get good enough on Pro Evo Soccer on XBox Live to finally beat someone under 15 or just retire in quiet disgrace. 3rd is to write at least 2 posts a week. My solitary effort in December might have got 10 comments, 11 diggs and endless personal shame but left the remaining 30 days as empty as Britney Spears’ knicker drawer.

Additionally I will stop thinking it’s funny to make a dog poop out of chocolate cake, walk down the street on New Year’s Eve, pretend to pick it off the floor and eat it in front of my friend who was so horrified he slapped it from my hand, freaked out and almost gave me the lectures of Hepatitis and poop breathe.

Cake not cack.

And finally I will make more time in the packed schedule to stop watching high quality US comedies and drama and settle down for some brain numbing, kebab baring, wife beating reality TV this year. I’ll look to coldturkey my addiction to The Office US, House, 24, Lost, Heroes and Prison Break and get ready for the first in a plethora of panopticon pleasures with this year’s Celebrity Big Brother.

I was fearsomely addicted to series 1 and 3 of normal Big Brother (Nasty Nick puts Prison Break’s Michael Scofield to shame) and my proposed tactics if I ever was to be snared and caged like a mentally deranged polar bear were well documented on Fidel Gastro’s back in 2003.

A) Constantly swear and libel celebrities (especially Donna Air). I will take a deep breath every morning and let it go. Sitting in the corner I’ll be dribbling obscenities like a tourettic monkey with SARS. Everyone in the house will hate me but the public will never see it. I will be nominated every week but never voted out.

When I reach the final two, the Sun will proclaim ‘Hidden Asian Shocks Nation’.

B) Piss in the milk every night.

Big Brother: “Day 32. 12.30 am. Everyone is asleep except Cian. He is urinating in the semi-skimmed again “

The general public will hate me but the contestants will never find out. As they say each morning ‘Mmmh has this milk gone off?’, I will sit knowing I will never be nominated. When I reach the final two I will go out in the blaze of golden glory.

The Sun run a hate campaign during the entire event. “Milk Pisser Must Go”

Additionally I am superextremely excited that 80’s superlegends, A-Team’s Dirk Benedict and Jackson 5’s Jermaine Jackson, are appearing. With a little imagination I could see a tribute act to the much hunted A-Team being setup after the series is over as part of a new reality TV show called ‘Let’s make A-Team’.

I picture Jermaine as the Face (I ain’t no racist yo), Dirk as Col. John “Hannibal” Smith, Jo O’Meara from S Club as “B.A.” Baracus and newly gay H from Steps as Capt. H.M. “Howling Mad” Murdock. And Dirk as Lt. Starbuck. And the robot from Buck Rogers as Col. Decker.

“biddy biddy biddy - oh fuck, a cabbage firing tank”

“We’re free! I wish I could just jump in the water and live like a fish.”

“Shut up fool, you ain’t no fish!”

“I love it when a plan comes together”

“Milk Pisser MUST GO”