Fidel Gastro’s

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A few weeks ago I was in Marrakesh eating mounds of yellow couscous, babbling Eddie Izzard-esque french to the local tat salesmen (’le sange est dans l’arbe‘) and being chased by hordes of vagrant children like a paedophilic Pied Piper of Hamleys. At the end of my trip I decided to try and chill out and visit a Moroccan spa known as a Hamman. Notice the word ‘man’ at the end - more of that to come.

Stop. Hamman Time.

Entering these Arabian baths on the outskirts of the Medina I was reverently ushered into the main bath by a large mustachioed local brute looking like a cross between Borat and Fatima Whitbread and instructed to strip immediately. Instantly the air of bucolic relaxation shattered and I felt like I had just been dumped at the entrance of Fox River Penitentiary and now I had to spend my waking hours protecting my ass. Literally.

+ = FutureLove PrisonSex

Debagging, but keeping my kecks on, I was marched to another holding area. This room was empty, caking hot with steam rising from the stone floor and seemed like it was to be my solitary confinement for my remaining time. The newly assumed warden barked ‘you sit’ and then left me on the floor without a bouncy ball in sight. After a few moments I decided that this must be the steam room and I’d be there alone for the next 1/2 hour.

I’d be wrong.

5 minutes later the door opens and sweet Jesus, I’ve got a cell mate. Not a friendly ‘hey we’ll be buddies and try and get over the wall’ but the big bad Gorilla in the Mist, my nickname is Haywire, ‘I think you’re got a pretty mouth’ and ‘please god don’t kill me with a sharpened comb’ roomie from hell, as in walks in Fatima sporting a smile, a pair of Speedos and a mustache.

I’m bringing SexyBack

I immediately sat bolt upright. He marches across the room, picks up a cheap plastic bucket from the corner and empties its contents of freezing cold water on my head. Images of Rambo First Blood came flooding back along with adage of ‘kicking someone’s ass the first day or being someone’s bitch’. Before I had a chance to shank him with a sharpened spoon, he had soaped his hands up and told me to turn over. This was it. It was over. But to my surprise he started to wash me bare handed and then got some scrubbing gloves and attacked me like a scrambled egg caked saucepan giving me a vigorously good rub down.

Inappropriately skirting and brushing no-fly zones he then moved to the massage section. This involved plenty of oil and basically wrestling-stroke-gymnastics-stroke-me. Vague memories of sitting on his knees, bent backwards with my head between his legs and then getting rolled into a ball with his face on my chest and then much slapping. At several points I was thinking ‘he could just stick it in me’ and I started to cry inside.

The Pacific Rim not to be confused with my specific ring.

When I opened my eyes it was all over and I was gingerly walking out to showers. I really couldn’t take much more gayness and it was at this point he got the oranges out. I almost bolted, blindfearing a Daily Mail front page feature with an orange in my mouth and a stocking over my head but decided to hold my ground in imbecilic defiance.

15 orange related injuries in the UK last year.

It was a stand off. Me in my pants. Him in his Speedos. I had nothing but my ripening sense of shame and he had a whole orange. Then out of nowhere he pulls out a knife. He brought a goddamn knife to a fruit fight. While I started to try and remember where to take a stabbing, he started to segment the oranges and began to advance upon me.
I shut my eyes. When I opened them he was rubbing me down with these citrus fruit loofahs like I was duck ready for the oven. After the marinading I went to the showers (by myself) and scrubbed myself clean both mentally and dermatologically for several minutes before running for the door, throwing fistfuls of Dirhams at the staff and into a cab back to the Medina with a single tear running down my cheek.

After a few days I’ve decided this was my most gay fruit related non-homosexual experience ever. If you can beat that please chuck it in the comments.