Fidel Gastro’s

I’m in eager anticipation of the announcements for this year’s whopping City bonuses, the bouncy hyperbole around the amounts being paid and the reports of gratuitous, wanton splurging by M&A bankers around London. Daily Mail reports…

The obsceneness of this year’s bonus payouts was highlighted as one City banker took home £4million in 10 pence pieces, the co-principality of Andorra and 14kgs of Madonna’s toenail clippings. He casually stated when interviewed ‘I’m really not sure what to do with my bonus this year. I might start a Fabergé egg smashing club in Notting Hill on Wednesday nights and have Andorra laser-excised from Europe and floated 20 miles off Cornwall as a weekend disco retreat. Those toenails? I might hire Lindsay Lohan to eat these damn things’

‘On top of a pile of money, with many beautiful ladies.’

Indeed a large group of Goldman Sachs bankers caused outrage on Thursday night as they spent £100,000 on a single bacon butty and a can of Tizer at Gordon Ramsey’s Claridges. Gordon’s press release stated ‘They asked what the most expensive thing on the menu was - I said I could charge them £100k for a school packed lunch and they agreed. What a result’.

But this was outdone by 2 Deutsche Bank employees who paid £250,000 to dine on Chairman Mao’s embalmed head and drink a small vial of Salvador Dali’s urine at the hyper-expensive eatery Sketch last Wednesday. The owner of Sketch said ‘Wednesday’s special usually is a plate featuring parts of a dead communist leader so this was no different from any normal Wednesday night bill. We pride ourselves on sourcing the best and most unique ingredients from around the world and Mao’s head is a true gastronomic treat.’

‘yum yum mao head’

As extreme wealth enters the pockets of the under-priviledged and inventive spenders we will probably see the impact on the housing market. Estate Agents around London are being bombarded with requests for ever-expensive living. A Foxton’s insider said recently ‘I get three or four calls a week seeing if the Hanging Garden’s of Babylon have come back onto the market. I do tell them it’s probably likely given the way market is moving and then try to down sell them. Hopefully they go without discovering that the property probably never existed and if it did it would be a 2600 year old ruin. To be honest this is one of our common marketing tactics we use today.”

I repeat - breathless anticipation. Kings of Bling - I await your triumphs being force fed to me in every media orifice. Go forth and spend. Spend like the wind.