*I’ve realized that Acute Spine Implosion seems like the sister disease of the life-threatening fictitious condition Acidic Throat Melting. Yes the very same ailment which I quizzed Coca Cola Inc. on it’s likelihood after mixing it’s Vanilla and Lemon diet products. Biomedical evidence, email transcripts and hasty PR statements here.
First personal post in a while after my shockingly topical Richard Hammond one a few weeks ago; now suffering from an imploded spine and unable to think of any remark, retort or riposte I am forced to write about myself.
Acute spine implosion* is what I’ve self-diagnosed myself with after doing my back in and having to shuffle round the house like Richard Prior circa ‘96 without the self-cognac-immolation he generously gave himself
I’m walking like a cross between these two boys
Being laid out horizontally for days on end with nothing but the internet, bittorrents and my DSlite for company and apathetically playing Nintendogs looking for the ‘non-fatally maul local 5 year old scally’ option but failing miserably everytime; all has kept me away from Fidel Gastro’s and the delight the site gives to millions.
In my time out of action I’ve spent watching half of films. I watched half of ‘An Inconvenient Truth’, half of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean 2′, half of ‘The Black Dahlia’ and half of ‘Block Party’. What did I end up with? A pair of films in total about a hill-billy environmentalist fighting the Kraken, slashing 1940’s Hollywood starlets and hosting Kanye West and Fugees led street gigs. I’m in a real need of some Ritalin. And Flintstone’s chewable morphine.
They HAVE chewable morphine? Wow. Pardon me, I must run to the pharmacy….
Just a piece ‘o’ advice, massage, get one.
I think Bart once requested Flintstones Chewable Morphine in a Simpsons but Marge claimed it didn’t exist - however it’s a cobranding opportunity that Hanna Barbara have clearly overlooked. I’d petition the FDA for orange-flavoured cartoon-themed chewy opiates to ease my pain.
On the massage front, I did google for ‘richmond massages’ but most of the paid search links were for “massages” or “escorts” and I’m now worried my medical won’t cover such accidental sexytime on work hours. Incidently my site is #2 result in msn.co.uk search for ‘naked men’ it seems like it’s sexytime all round.
I would certainly be in the market for some fine chewabl morphine. However, I always found chewing on bam-bam, to be a bit crass, if you get my drift. I would much prefer some more wholesome, fruit shaped narcotics. They don’t give off any accidentally scandalous vibes.
I am petrified of accidental sexy-time. Absolutely petrified.