Fidel Gastro’s

Magnus Ver Magnusson?

The Hulk?

Tony Jaa?

‘Iron’ Mike Tyson?

Phil Mitchell?

Who is the hardest man in the world? Who eats horseshoes for breakfast, tears up phone books over lunch, takes pitta pockets straight from the toaster for tea then invites and fights bears for dinner? Wesley Snipes? Gillian McKeith? Kim Deal from the Pixies? I actually had a dream recently that Kim Deal died and I came into work and told people and no-one would listen to me and I almost cried.

KIM DEAL IS DEAD! SHE’S FUCKING DEAD!

Who?

ARGHHH!

Enough of this alternative music tangent - who is the hardest of the hardnuts? Who should I call up if someone takes my bus money and gives me an atomic wedgie?

In the Eastern European playoff, my vote goes to Titi from Dr Death’s Military Academy in Estonia - the toughest dude in Tallin, baddest man in the Baltics, this guy is so hard he could kick your ass to a woody pulp with his hands and legs tied together put in a sack full of marshmellows and cotton wool.

Titi runs his gun shooting tour company involving a grand total of him, a deserted Soviet military base, enough guns to setup his own private militia and a Toyota Yaris 1.2 hatchback. When we were in Estonia the hotel gave him a call to take us out to shoot some guns. We waited in reception and somewhat unsurprisingly the gentleman who came to take us shooting not only was carrying a gun on him, but had an enormous stitched gunshot wound in his arm and a toothy but loving smile on his face. ‘ I have come to take you to shoot’. ‘ Noooo I’m too young to die’.

What’s even scarier is that he’s not just been shot but has shot real people and I think he might have killed someone. Titi is a part-time boxer, part-time debt collector, ex-cop, ex-Nato operative in Bosnia, used to be partake in street shoot-outs with Russian Mafia packing AK’s in the early 90’s and still carries a 12 gauge loaded in his car. That’s on top of the Heckel and Koch sidearm he has with him at all times. He has a scar across his neck where someone has tried to slit his throat and has a big silver .357 magnum he calls ‘MY PIMP GUN’. ‘this is pimp gun - my wife like, I like, you like?’. He also refers to his Tactical Shotgun as the ‘room cleaner’ and when he refers to ‘room cleaning’ he is talking about people rather than garbage. He’s so hard he can kick your ass by winking at you.

I can’t think of anyone harder - he can fight, kill, strip a Glock in seconds, get back your pocket money (through violence or a repayment plan) and sing traditional Estonian folk songs as he stomps on your twitching body in his muscle vest and jackboots.

Jaan l’eb jaanitulele ojink,
I kick your ass capitalist pig

miuke Jaani hobune, kaasike?
You want to make sex with my sister Jaani ?

Silmad siidituttides Paris Hilton,
This ok she whorish like your Paris Hilton

lakk on hbehelmestes Xbox, kaasike
so leave your Xbox for my brother who has mild gigantism but a small head