Fidel Gastro’s

Lives with the fishes.

Actually he doesn’t.

AQAman lives with a bunch of other researchers in some factory answering questions people text to 63336. Aquaman lives in the sea, breathes underwater and can communicate with all forms of sealife.

AQAman eats prawn cocktail crisps during his break. Aquaman thinks it’s murder.

Aquaman has mental control of his aquatic friends. Will AQAman ever have such powers of crustacean command? Only he knows the answer to that question.

I’ve been revelling in the joy of the AQA service where you can text Any Question to be Answered. They recently answered their 3 millionth question and with a small battalion of 500 researchers, armed with not Google or Wikipedia but their BRAINS and a database, send you SMS responses to even the most stupid questions.

Here are a sample from last Friday

Q: Where am I?
A: Probably in a bar in London with a group of friends

Q: Should I stay or should I go?
A: The Clash said that if you go there will be trouble but if you stay it will be double. Going results in half as much trouble as staying. Go.

Q: Are you gonna go my way?
A: You need to make this decision because Lenny Kravitz said that he’s really got to, got to know.

Q: Who would win in a fight between Batman and Superman? (the line of questioning went a bit tangential here)

A: Superman so long as no kyptonite was involved. Superman has super strength, invulnerability and heat vision powers. Batman is a normal human with no superpowers. Superman wins.

Mmh great answers - Batman actually beat Superman in The Dark Knight Returns but was aided with a powersuit and the obligitory kryptonite arrow in the butt. But would Batman ever beat Superman in any other field apart fisticuffs? In the spirit of the almost filmed ‘Batman vs Superman‘ - let’s take this HEAD-TO-HEAD.

Round 1 fight!

Sudoku:

Batman wins. Since his parent’s death he has trained himself to the peak of physical and intellectual perfection. He is the ultimate detective. He cracked the Joker’s combo-cosmetics plot in the first film so I’m sure he can solve a fiendish Sudoku in minutes.
Superman is an alien. Whilst all of Krypton’s knowledge was encoded into the three crystals in the Fortress of Solitude, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t include Earth’s favourite grid based logic puzzle. Superman is just a bit of a pretty face who took Lois into space in Superman 4 for Christ’s sake. She was only saved by the stupidity of the director who failed to implode her instantly once out of Earth’s atmosphere. I didn’t see Superman saying: “Hey guys - she really needs a pressurised suit here. I mean I really think she’s going to die if I go any further. Hey you guys. Are you even listening to me? I mean - I can hear you, you know I have fricking super-hearing. You are telling each other to ignore me. Fine. I’ll check out your wife’s underwear next time she’s on set.”

Getting the ladies:

Batman. Well at least in his Bruce Wayne persona. CEO of Wayne Enterprises and number 8 in the Forbes Rich List (damn you Scrooge McDuck) - he’s a true babe magnate. Over the years he got the batlove on with a real plethora of superhotties; Vicky Vale, Selina Kyle, Chase Meridian and Rachel Dawes. As Batman he has occasional dalliances with Catwoman but both must keep their kit on in fear of revealing their secret identities.
Clark Kent - dork. No chance. Superman? He’s the saviour of the modern world and must have the girls banging down the door for some superloving but his soulmate is Lois and he must always tell the truth. Finding him chatting up girls in the Clapham Grand with the line ‘course I don’t have a girlfriend’ is pure science fiction. In any case Margot Kidder offsets any kudos for bagging Teri Hatcher, Erica Durance or Kate Bosworth.

Copper-etching pretty designs as gifts for close friends.

Superman wins. Batman is the Dark Knight. He doesn’t have time for this shit. He must be spending his evenings exacting vengence for his parent’s death - not using his technical and machining skills to make metal based art. Does he look like a sissy? He might get Alfred a bottle of port or Robin some DVD boxsets every so often but that’s it.
Superman has the laser eye thing from a practical point of view and when he’s around Lois his sharing/caring side comes out. Taking her out for flights over stunning vistas and then softly crying to himself. Poodle-faker. Copper etching is right up his street and I’m surprising not to see him selling his ‘art’ at his Spitalfield’s market stall.

Xbox gaming

Superman. He can mess with time. He saved Lois from the earthquake by turning back time by spinning the world backwards - he’s so powerful that he can do stuff that doesn’t even work. If he can fuck with space/time what’s to stop him going back and unplugging Batman’s controller during their game of Fifa Soccer. Nothing. Every time Batman notices, slaps Superman round the back of the head (‘enough of this fucking with time bullshit Clark‘) and plugs back his joypad. Wham. They are 15 minutes ago and Bruce is 3 goals down.

So in this superhero modern quadathalon it’s a dead heat. How can this ever be decided? Monopoly? (Batman). Thumbwar? (Superman). Holding breath contests? (Aquaman). Pub quiz? (AQAMan).
I doubt it ever can.