Fidel Gastro’s

Stage one, preparation. For this you will need one room which you will not leave. Soothing music. Tomato soup, ten tins of. Mushroom soup, eight tins of, for consumption cold. Ice cream, vanilla, one large tub of. Magnesia, milk of, one bottle. Paracetamol, mouthwash, vitamins. Mineral water, Lucozade, pornography. One mattress. One bucket for urine, one for feces and one for vomitus. One television and one bottle of Valium. Which I’ve already procured from my mother. Who is, in her own domestic and socially acceptable way also a drug addict. And now I’m ready. All I need is one final hit to soothe the pain while the Valium takes effect.

I won’t try and compare not drinking for a month with coming off a 3 year heroin hobby in a squalid bed sit in Glasgow, but it’s been an adventure over the last 4 weeks.
On the 30th July at 2am I had my last drink. I think it was an enormous gin and tonic in a house party in Old Street. I woke up and given my body was damaged after the 10 day lash fest in Estonia I had my epiphany. My liver, swollen to the size of a joint of gammon, gave me the warning shot of repeated stabbing pains as I lay in bed with yet another beast of a hangover - sweating a wierd combination of beef, beer and Bombay Sapphire. I then realised I must try and go dry.
Since then just a sniff of the occasional pint of Fosters and a sip of Lithuanian champagne has passed through me. The Lithuanian ‘champagne’ was probably fermented horse urine so that one didn’t count. Apart from this I’ve been a veritable fun factory drinking water, lemonade, orange juice, orange juice with lemonade, coke, coke zero, diet coke, vanilla diet coke and erstwhile variants whilst hanging out in pubs, house parties and bbq’s this month.

So how has it been?

Not too bad. The only way to cope is to crawl into a alcohol-free shell and try and avoid any monster lash-ups but apart from the imposed social leperdom it’s not too difficult. Do I feel better? Apart from not having hideous hang-overs, not especially but my bank balance is definitely much healthier.

Tips to get out of an offer of a drink in a social situation.
“Drinking makes me even funnier and much more attractive - I really don’t think you could cope.”
“Muslim. Next.”
“I have cirrhosis of the liver and my next drink could be my last. It could be fun but also live on your conscious for the rest of your life.”
“I’m telling you Tizer is alcoholic. It’s made of fermented oranges, hops and yeast by Bavarian monks. Get me a Tizer on the rocks. Make it a double.”
“Get me a Pina Colada in one of those real pretty glasses please. And a fancy little umbrella - don’t forget the umbrella.”