Fidel Gastro’s

Saw Miami Vice a few days ago and had enough time to deliberate, cogitate, ovulate and 808 State over the proceedings.

So Michael Mann of Man Hunter, Heat, The Insider and Ali fame returns to the series he produced back in ‘84 but this time with Colin ‘Grim Sex Tape’ Farrell and Jamie ‘Fox has one x but two looks cool’ Foxx driving the cars, boats and women in this surprising-that-it-took-this-long-to-be-remade remake.

I’ll try and summarise this film in a “bored foley artist sound effects” based haiku which is probably all that needed.

Blam blam click clack blam

brum-brum, screech, wham, splat. oooh oooh

blam ouch, boo hoo hoo

What works is the digital camera work, the enormous 50 cal sniper rifles, Farrell’s amazing panache with his hulk-hogan moustache, some sideboobery from Naomi Harris, stunning carporn shots of their Ferrari 360 spyder and the best line delivered by a female SWAT team member ever…

“That’s not what happens.
What will happen is… what will happen is I will put a round at twenty-seven hundred feet per second into the medulla at the base of your brain.
And you will be dead from the neck down before your body knows it.
Your finger won’t even twitch.
Only you get dead.
So tell me, sport, do you believe that?”

I do.

I generally enjoyed this film. It was definitely a boy’s film - plot sort of made sense, lots of FBI/DEA jargon being bandied around and some multi-engined 1000hp speedboats exploding. I’m not sure if Tubbs and Crockett would still be pimping the white suits in 2006 but they still looked cool. KA-BOOM! 7 Cian’s out of 10.

And if you were hoping for Vanilla Ice then check out Jim Carrey chilling with his homies here