Fidel Gastro’s

Gonna party like it’s your birthday
Gonna sip Frascati like it’s yo birthday
And you know we got you fucked; it was on your birthday
You can find me in the gym thirsting for some gin
Hey swarmi I got da specs if you’re into Asian slim
I’m into working my pecs I ain’t into dat Atkins
But come give me a hug if you like dark skin…

Sonny Bardhan: 1 life, 100 pairs of Oakley shoes. Part II. Part I here.

Sonny Bardhan’s rise to power in Nottingham marked a triumphant return to form after his involvement in a drive-by shooting in one of the UK’s infamous gun crime areas - The Park, Nottingham. Taking 9 bullets in his frail body by an angry member of Holmes Place, Sonny was left dying in a pool of blood seated in his 2 litre Mitsubishi FTO GPX with tiptronic gearshift, 18″ alloys, rotating wing mirrors and excellent sports suspension.

Thankfully he was saved by the multi-millionaire porn star Cian Hungwell who was passing by in the area and pulled Sonny’s broken weak body free from the car; he bravely performed life-saving CPR on his fallen friend, risking his life, his career and the careers of many beautiful women he had not made films nor love with yet. Indebted to Cian, Sonny devoted his life to hip-hop and swore he would dedicate his first album to his only true friend.

Within 1 year Sonny, or 22.8 Rupee as he was called on the underground circuit, had been signed by Eminen and Dre in a joint venture deal on Shady Records. However 22.8 had suffered crippling wounds in his shooting, including a gun shot through the face which left him rapping like a lisping, cack-mouthed manatee; this however added to his appeal and soon ‘Get a Chapatti or Die Trying to make Dahl in a Crap Western Saucepan’ went multi-platinum. On the inlay was written a simple message ‘Cian. You made me’.

Unfortunately but unsurprisingly the money rapidly went to his head. Taking home $1.3 million in the first week his 20 bedroom mansion in The Park was featured in MTV Cribs no less than 5 times and even Missy Elliot was quoted as saying 22.8 was ‘a frivolous bastard’ as she set fire to her latest Bentley Continental R. In fact a large section of the rap community were disgusted in the immoral use of 22.8’s wealth. In a recent interview with ‘The Source’ magazine Jay-Z stated that ‘Does that child think money grows on trees? I heard he crashes his cars into signposts for fun and still rents an 8 car garage for these non-existent vehicles. He can rap but where is the love? Man, think of those kids in Africa who have no bling - I’m crying for them’.

In fact notorious badboy and grandiose money waster P.Diddy was overheard stating ‘Bardhan’s gonna get the rap community a rep for wasting their dinero. I think it’s obscene how he throws his cash on fortnightly haircuts, Reiss menswear and �80 calls to Taiwan. He can make a beat that even Pharrell is jealous of but at what cost? I’ve even heard he uses his gas hobs to heat a boiler which generates steam which turns a fan which blows on a windmill which turns a dynamo which lights a spark to set fire to a pile of money heating his palace’.

However Sonny rise to power as rap mogul was unrelenting. His obsession with lifting weights saw him take the UK Christmas No.1 for 2002 and the ‘Radford/Sherwood Under 50kg Clean and Jerk’ bronze in the space of 4 months. But the cracks within his empire soon began to show. His venture into the gin market failed miserably as his premium spirit called ‘You are too poor to drink this’ bombed in both the Lizard Lounge and Bluu where customers were too poor to drink it. Even his fashion label ‘Black, Buff and Beautiful’ suffered huge losses after Graham Norton was heard ranting in Limeys Menswear ‘Do I look gay in this?! Do I?!!’ To which most people had to say yes.

Soon his spending behaviour even alerted his credit card issuers. On several occasions he found his credit card blocked as the major banks feared massive fraud on his many accounts. HSBC quickly issued a statement: ‘The volume and size of the transactions, along with the number of white fur coats purchased, pointed to either a rapper or organised fraud ring. We had to take the necessary precautions’.

Even his love life was taking a turn for the worse. His unprecedented level of criteria for his ladies resulted in even Heidi Klum being told she was ‘not a hottie’. Every night a host of Hawaiian Playmates were seen leaving his residence in tears after being informed they were too fat or just too damn hairy. Soon 22.8 was left resorting to trawling Ocean on a Saturday night for a little love.

This was the last straw for 22.8. Fearing the collapse of a near Roman-like empire Sonny faced possible deportation as the only option. However whilst in deep thought awake one night, 22.8 has a religious moment. He decided to leave all his worldly material possesions and move to a deprived country to help needy and hungry children who don’t have broadband internet or five cashmere Smedley jumpers in the same colour. At this exact moment the huge marble statue of Sonny outside his house cracked in two in an iconic gesture of celestial intervention.

Negociating a break in his recording contract, Sonny is set to leave the UK in January. Whilst many of the music press are awaiting a final farewell ‘Black’ album, many feel this is the last we will see of 22.8 Rupee. His impact on the rap genre was undeniably enormous but soon we will see him giving a little back to the world as he builds one giant 10 bedroom mansion with a hot tub, home cinema and indoor swimming pool for the hundreds of starving homeless villagers in Costa Rica. I wish them well.

Haste luego amigo.