Fidel Gastro’s

Sonny Bardhan, Boney Sardine, Larry Lashbus Driver, Garry Hardon, Black Sunday, Barry Bardanovitch and so on; 1 man, 42 nicknames. As we say farewell to the Dark Star on his journey to all Latin Quarters of the world, the National Geographic Society in association with Reiss menswear proudly present an emotional tribute to the sub-continental 50 Cent - 22.8 Rupee. (@COB 02/12/2003).

Born in the deepest darkest forests of Kashmir in the late ’70’s, Sonny was raised by a pack of wolves in a cave close to the Jhelum River. At an early age Sonny showed a passion for juniper flavoured beverages, slim line digital cameras and black menswear, and soon outgrew his canine family’s meagre disposable income. Taking a few sticks and a dead rabbit to market each day to try and barter for a 20GB MP3 player using grunts and barks was proving a stumbling block in our Sonny’s quest for power, women and a Mitsubishi FTO 2.0i.

At the age of 11 Sonny informed his wolf-mother he was going to get into Cambridge University and get the 2nd best 1st in Chemistry; she laughed/barked in a strange manner and he disgruntedly moved from the caves and into the upper canopy of the forest. He spent the next 7 years studying termite eating, grub preening and writing essays on ‘Heavy Water’ and ‘Encryption Techniques’ with a troop of bonobos he became attached to. It was soon clear it would be difficult realising his dream of graduating from St John’s with some self-respect and no defamatory photographs of him lurking on the internet. Even ones featuring him with a blu-tac phallus on his forehead.

At the age of 18 Sonny purchased a ‘Teach Yourself A Non Facial-Expression Language Such as English In 1 Week’ cassette set from the back of the TV Times magazine for a mere 100 bunches of plantain.
He quickly realised his folly and tossed this aside, along with the ‘Learn Speed Reading in 1 minute ‘ guide (“Chapter 1. Read Faster. The End”) which he picked up for several hundred pounds. After these events our boy decided that the only way forward in the language of man was furious study of a pile of Jackie Collins novellas he found in a skip.

Sonny at dinner with his adopted dad.

With this behind him he stunned the primate world by, at the age of 19, enrolling at St John’s Cambridge for a 4 year Natural Science course.

Tragically the records for next 3 years are lost by the passage of time, but what is known reveals a strange mix of vodka-spiked red wine, tight t-shirts and an obsession with pumping iron.

By the age of 21, when documented history resumes, Sonny had emerged, triumphantly rid of the thick fur covering his entire body; he’d also gained the ability to communicate with other mammals without flaring his nostrils and a solid 1st Class BA degree. His repressed penchant for sports cars and money in wheelbarrows was yet to surface but the lure of Nottingham would soon prove his downfall.

In Part 2 we explore Sonny’s devotion to inappropriate gadgetry, hotties and keeping the house warm by leaving the gas hobs on all day. We will also cover his transformation into the crack-dealing, pipe-hitting gansta whose iron fist ruled Nottingham whilst at the same time banging out multi-plat rap albums for Shady Records.

Till next time, adios.