Fidel Gastro’s

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. Pirates of the Caribbean is the best event film of this summer. BAMM - ooargh me maties, BAMM - undead skeleton pirates, BAMM - Johnny Depp, BAMM - swashbuckling. This film is funny, exciting, perfectly timed, excellent CGI and topped with Johnny Depp ruling the crow’s nest with his mascara’d eyes and dreadlocked beard. Fantastic. Loved it.

Terminator 3 on the other hand. Mmmh. Pile of dog shit? No. Pile of cat piss? Noo. Horse Jizz, mmh, yup horse jizz. It was one big explosion of gayness. Rubbish.

So the order of 2003 films (blockbusters only) is as follows:

1. Pirates of the Caribbean
2. X2
3. Hulk
4. Matrix Reloaded
5. T3
6. Charlies Angels 2 (I was quite disappointed with this one. The first one still rules).

However our evening was spoiled by accidently entering a multiplex in South Central LA instead of Holloway Road. Having 4 to 5 different groups deciding that the cinema was in fact a BBQ Cook-Out at Aunties we had to endure

1) 2 rudeboys commentating throughout the entire film with such gems as ‘Look at dem tings round dem lady batty’. ‘For real bro FOR REAL’
2) A crack dealing bitch to the left guffawing at ever entry of Johnny Depp ‘HHAHAHAHAHAHA LOOK AT HIS CRAZY BEARD ME LOVES DEM TINGS’
3) A huge Jamaican to the right who kept taking mobile calls and conversing with his buddies at the top of his voice in a deep booming patois.
4) Another Jamaican guy at the front who kept holla’ing at key moments ‘JIMMY JAMMY BOYS’ and this would set of some kind of chain reaction throughout the cinema.
5) The fact there was an Odeon rep in the corner who did nothing.

We had to move within 10 minutes of the film to minimize the distruption. I think most people (inc myself) were too scared of getting a gun pulled on us to challenge them. It makes me mad. Hulk mad.

Again this is another situation where a 12-gauge would have come in handy.

PS On a completely unrelated note. Australian’s can’t speak. I was watching the rugby a couple of weekends ago and the Aussie commentator mentioned the opposition’s Achilles Heel.

I looked up and thought ‘What is R.Kelly doing playing rugby?’